Tuesday, July 04, 2006


As we celebrate Independence Day 2006, as we tuck into our burgers and dogs and guzzle our tall cold ones, as we ooh and aah over fireworks displays, let us honor our forefathers who sacrificed life and limb to give us the freedoms we now enjoy. Let's remember to take a moment and give thanks for those freedoms:

The freedom to vote as many times as we want for the American Idol of our choice;

The freedom to pay upwards of $1000 a month for health insurance for us and our families;

The freedom to consume as many Cheetos, Keebler cookies, Krispy Kreme donuts, double-stuffed oreos, stuffed double-crusted pizzas, buckets of hot wings, gallons of Sprite, Whoppers with cheese, steak quesadillas, extra-large orders of fries, bags of M&Ms, vente mocha Frappuccinos, egg McMuffins, and Philly cheese steaks we want;

The freedom to contract Type 2 diabetes and heart disease, driving up the cost of health care even higher;

The freedom to sit and watch "Top Model" while our basic rights as Americans are taken away from us;

The freedom to receive a second-rate public-school education;

The freedom to ignore global warming, despite incontrovertible proof, and keep driving everywhere in bigger and bigger SUVs;

The freedom to work 50-60 hours a week in multiple dead-end jobs in order to barely support our families;

The freedom to have our phone calls listened to and our Internet activity monitored;

The freedom to have our elections sold to the highest bidder;

The freedom to be hoodwinked into a war for no reason but to line the pockets of the President's henchmen;

The freedom to be cynically manipulated by those who seek to profit from our fear;

The freedom to be lied to, over and over and over again;

And the freedom to eat burgers and dogs, guzzle tall cold ones, ooh and aah over fireworks displays, and do absolutely nothing.

Happy Birthday, America. Happy Independence Day, you poor sorry bastards. You've got the country you deserve.

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